A Crack In My Heart

I tend to write more on the softer, lighthearted side of things then anything real deep and emotional. I am going to break from that today.  This weekend I feel like a semi-truck ran me over than backed up to do it over and over again. My eye’s hurt from all the tears, my head feels fuzzy, and to say all my defenses are down is a mild understatement. Yesterday I went to a funeral of a dear friend who died from cancer.

Before I begin her story I feel I need to back up to the year 2000 and tell you a little bit about her sister, Beth Ann McClain.  Beth died on June 14^th, 2000 after a long fight with cancer. That day in June rocked my whole world upside down.  Beth was like a second Mom to me. My life attached itself to hers when I was 16 or 17 until the day she died. She didn’t have any children of her own so I felt like I was her child that my mother so kindly lent her. We had an incredible sacred bond. I lived with her off and on for many years. I talked to her almost every day, and her house became my safe haven. I had a key to use whenever I wanted and I often did. She was my confidante, my friend, my second mom, and she’s gone. I had such a hard time with this in the beginning that I always wondered if I fully processed everything and now I know I didn’t.

When Beth passed away her sister Dona (sounds like Donna) was there for me. One of the times that I lived with Beth her sister Dona moved in for about 6 months. During that time I got to know Dona very well. She had such a gentle spirit, with an enormous love for animals, and children. Dona was more the new age type and Beth would joke saying it was more like voodoo magic than anything.(Who knew I would grow up to be a lot like Dona) Anyway, after Beth died Dona knew she couldn’t replace Beth for me but she definitely kept her spirit alive. We emailed a lot, talked on the phone occasionally, she never forgot my birthday or Christmas, and she was even there when my baby was born.

Yesterday before the service the tears just began to flow in a way I couldn’t control. I was realizing Dona was gone, and I would never see her again. (Clearly that’s what happens when someone dies it just hit me like a ton of bricks) I had developed a special friendship with her and had grown to love her very much. Dona was also my last little piece of Beth that I had left. I was grasping that Dona had died but what I didn’t expect was to feel like Beth was dying all over again. It became more than I could take so when I got home and saw my husband that loud ugly cry we try to hid from people just came out full force.

There is so much more I could write about these wonderful ladies, however, I am going to stop since I am broken hearted with little energy left. Even though I am sad I do want to mention how grateful I feel to have had both of these amazing women in my life. Both of who seemed like family to me even though there wasn’t a single blood tie. I am also very thankful to my mom for introducing Beth into my life, and letting her have a part of me as her daughter. I am better person to have had both of them in my life. I am glad they are together now and Dona I never got to say goodbye. So Goodbye, and I love you!