Bat Ass Crazy

Today I went for my monthly exorcism and got a massage. I go so often to this particular place that I can’t count on all my fingers and toes or even all my neighbors fingers and toes the times that I have been there.  Which is why I find today’s massage so peculiar. Usually, I go in for about an hour or two of your basic all over stress relief massage. It is blissfully wonderful.

This story will have a few Friends references in it so if you never watched the show this will be somewhat lost on you and it will be as if I am only writing for my sister-n-law or my friends Chris and Tom.  (Obsessive friends watchers much like myself) There is an episode were Phoebe is staying with Ross and somehow Ross ends up giving one of her clients (an old man) a very strange massage. He uses wooden spoons among other things to poke at this man and in the end decides to run Tonka trucks up and down his body. That whole scene was playing in my head today, as my massage was a little less rubbing than usual and was a little more poking. My massage therapist would poke me a couple of times and then hold really still. Then throw in a rub or two here and there but mostly just a lot of random poking. I am completely thrown off by this because I come here all the time. I don’t know if this is some kind of new massage with added acupressure or if this woman is just bat ass crazy. I look down at her shoes and they are bit granola /crunchy (I like that normally) but strangely her pants are tucked into her shoes, and I know I am not in Boulder, Colorado so what the hell is going on? In Boulder if I was getting some new age massage I would at least expect some cool, hippie, voodooie (my own made up word) stuff with crystals, incents, and maybe some enchanting music in the background but there was no mistaking this was just weird random poking.  So when she asked me to roll over you could understand my hesitance.  Not only am I not relaxed but I catch myself actually tensing up as she is poking her way up to my chest. Soon she as at my boobs that is when the rubbing begins and I think oh sure now you want to rub instead of poke. She never actually touched anything she shouldn’t have but its still the most bizarre massage I have ever had.  I remember after Ross gave Phoebe’s client that massage and she confronts him in front of Joey she says,” Well, you didn’t have to run Tonka trucks up and down his body.” Joey says, “Dude, why were you rubbing down an old man?” Ross replies, “His daughter was hot!” Joey nods as if completely getting his motive.

After the massage I look up at this lady with her hair all in disarray, with a little bit of googlie/crazy eyes and I start to wonder did she just come in here off the street as a dare in some crazy drinking game or was this suppose to be legitimate? If it was than she might want to test out what other talents she may have. I am just saying….